Medical Oncologist
CION Cancer Clinics
When parents blame each other after a genetic result | CION Cancer Clinics
When a child is found to carry a gene fault, parents and relatives often look for someone to blame. Nobody is at fault. Faults pass from either parent, sometimes both, sometimes neither, and nobody chooses what they pass on. This page explains how blame tends to show up in Indian families, what the science actually says, and how parents can face the result together. At CION Cancer Clinics, our team helps carriers and their families plan checks, next steps and support after a genetic result.
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Medically reviewed by Dr. Naresh GunduConsultant Medical Oncologist · MBBS, DNB (Internal Medicine), DM (Medical Oncology, AIIMS) · last reviewed September 2026, next review due September 2027
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On this page
- Is it one parent's fault that our child carries a gene fault?
- How blame tends to show up after a result
- How can parents talk about this without blaming each other?
- The words you will meet, in plain language
- What this page cannot tell you
- Four things families say, and what is actually true
- Common questions about blame after a genetic result
The short answer
Is it one parent's fault that our child carries a gene fault?
No. A gene fault is usually passed down from one parent, sometimes from both, and occasionally from neither. Nobody chooses which genes they pass on, and most parents who carry a fault never knew it was there. Blame is a common reaction to fear and grief, but it has no basis in how inheritance works.
Why blame is so common
When a result lands, families look for a reason. It is easier to be angry at a person than at chance. In many Indian homes, relatives also join in. A grandmother may say the illness runs on the other side. An aunt may hint that the marriage was a mistake. The couple then turn on each other at the moment their child most needs them together.
Knowing the side is different from assigning fault
Testing the parents can sometimes show which side a fault came from. That is useful, because it tells you which relatives should be offered a test. It says nothing about responsibility. The parent who carries it inherited it too, from their own parent, without being asked.
A fault that came from one side is a medical fact about that side of the family. It is not a judgement on the parent.What families describe
How blame tends to show up after a result
Blame rarely arrives as one argument. It comes in remarks, silences and old grievances that suddenly feel connected.
"It came from your side"
Each parent points to cancer among the other's relatives. Often both sides have some cancer, because cancer is common, and the argument goes round in circles.
The mother is blamed by default
In many families, especially with breast or ovarian cancer genes, the mother or daughter-in-law is assumed to be the source. Fathers carry and pass on these faults just as often. Assuming otherwise is simply wrong.
Often sounds like
- "Her mother also had it."
- "Our side has always been healthy."
The marriage itself is blamed
Where parents are related, such as cousins or uncle and niece, relatives may say the marriage caused it. For most cancer genes this makes no difference. It matters mainly for rarer conditions where both parents must carry the same fault.
The carrier parent blames themselves
Sometimes the loudest blame comes from inside. A parent who learns the fault came from them may feel crushing guilt, even when nobody else says a word.
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One thing that cannot wait
If blame at home has turned into threats, violence or being told to leave, or you fear for your safety or your child's, act today. Go to a trusted relative or friend, or contact the police. You can also tell any doctor or nurse at your next visit, and they can help you find support. A genetic result is never a reason for anyone to harm you.
Getting through it together
How can parents talk about this without blaming each other?
Hear the facts together
Ask for a joint session with the genetic counsellor. Hearing the same explanation at the same time stops each parent building a different story at home.
Separate where it came from and whose fault it is
Where it came from matters for testing relatives. Whose fault it is has no answer, because nobody chose it. Saying this out loud to each other can take the heat out of the argument.
Agree what to tell the family
Decide together what grandparents, aunts and uncles are told, and by whom. A shared message stops relatives from taking sides.
Turn to the plan for your child
Screening, timing of tests and what to tell your child are the decisions that change their future. Working on these together often rebuilds the partnership that blame has damaged.
Ask for outside help if you are stuck
If the same argument keeps returning, a couples or family counsellor can help. This is a common problem after genetic results and there is no shame in needing help with it.
On your report
The words you will meet, in plain language
- Dominant
- One faulty copy, from one parent, is enough to raise risk. Most cancer genes behave this way. Each child of a carrier has a one in two chance of inheriting it.
- Recessive
- A child must inherit a faulty copy from both parents to be affected. Both parents are then carriers, usually without knowing.
- De novo
- A fault that appears for the first time in the child. Neither parent carries it, and neither passed it on.
- Parental testing
- Testing each parent for the child's exact fault, to find which side it came from so the right relatives can be offered a test.
- Consanguinity
- A marriage between blood relatives. It raises the chance of some recessive conditions. It does not change the chance for most dominant cancer genes.
- Cascade testing
- Offering a test to relatives step by step, once a fault has been found in the family.
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Being straight with you
What this page cannot tell you
It cannot tell you which side your child's fault came from, or what it means for their health. That depends on the exact gene and variant, and sometimes on testing both parents. What your child's specific result means is a question for the counsellor who ordered the test.
It cannot mend a relationship on its own
Reading that nobody is to blame is a start. Saying it to each other, and believing it, often takes longer. Many couples find that a joint session with a counsellor, where the facts come from someone neutral, does more than any amount of arguing at home. Counselling in Telugu can be arranged if that makes it easier for both of you or for the grandparents.
Who this does not apply to
If your child has a cancer that was not inherited, which is true of most childhood and adult cancers, there is no gene fault to blame anyone for. Tumour tests often find changes in the cancer itself, and those were not passed down by either parent. If you are unsure which kind of result you have, ask before the family decides who is responsible.
Your child needs both of you on the same side. That matters more than where a gene came from.Commonly believed
Four things families say, and what is actually true
"Breast cancer genes only come through the mother's side."
They come from either parent equally. A father can carry and pass on a breast or ovarian cancer gene fault without ever being ill himself.
"If we had not married within the family, this would not have happened."
For most cancer genes, one faulty copy from one parent is enough, so a related marriage makes no difference. It matters mainly for rarer recessive conditions. Your counsellor can tell you which applies to your family.
"The parent who carries it should have known."
Most carriers have no symptoms and no reason to be tested. Until recently, testing was hard to get in India. Not knowing was the normal situation for almost everyone.
"Testing both of us will settle who is to blame."
Testing can show which side a fault came from, which helps relatives. Sometimes neither parent carries it, because it arose new in the child. Either way, the test measures genes, and blame is not something it can measure.
Questions we are asked
Common questions about blame after a genetic result
Should both parents be tested?
Often it helps, because it shows which side of the family should be offered testing. It is not always needed, and it is never about blame. Your counsellor will tell you whether parental testing would change anything for your child or your relatives.
Can a fault come from neither parent?
Yes. Sometimes a fault appears for the first time in the child, and both parents test negative. This is called de novo. It still matters for the child's own children in future, but no parent passed it on.
My in-laws blame me for my child's result. What can I do?
Ask the counsellor to explain the result to the whole family, including elders. Hearing from a doctor that the fault can come from either side often settles the matter. If the blame continues or turns hostile, speak to someone you trust and to your care team.
Should we tell our child which side it came from?
Eventually, yes, because they will need that information for their own relatives and children. How and when to tell them depends on their age. Present it as family history, never as one parent's fault.
I am the parent who carries it. How do I stop blaming myself?
Remind yourself that you inherited it too, without choice, and passed it on without knowing. Many carrier parents find that doing something useful, such as arranging screening for their child, eases the guilt. A counsellor can also help if it does not lift.
Can blame affect our child's care?
It can. Parents who are fighting may delay decisions, miss appointments or give the child mixed messages. Children often sense tension and blame themselves. Agreeing to keep the argument away from the child's care protects them.
Is it common for couples to struggle after a result?
Yes. Genetic counsellors see it often, and it does not mean the marriage is failing. Most couples find their way back once the shock settles and they share the same facts. Asking for help early makes that easier.
Can CION help our family talk about this?
Yes. Call the CION helpline and say the family is struggling after a genetic result. We can arrange a joint session with a counsellor, including in Telugu, so both parents and grandparents hear the same explanation together.
Your Specialists
Meet CION's oncologists. Bring your family history or genetic report to them.
Our medical oncologists see people with a strong family history of cancer, arrange genetic counselling and testing where it fits, and plan the checks that follow.
Medical Oncologist
Dr. C. Raghavendra Reddy
MBBS(Gold Medal), DNB(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Gold Medal)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Bharati Devi Gorantla
MBBS, MD(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Adyar,Chennai), ECMO, MRCP SCE(UK)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Owais Mohammed
MBBS, MD (General Medicine), DrNB (Medical Oncology), ECMO, MRCP SCE (Medical Oncology) (UK)
Medical Oncologist
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Sources
- MedlinePlus Genetics — What are the different ways a genetic condition can be inherited?
- National Cancer Institute — Genetic Testing for Inherited Cancer Susceptibility Syndromes
- Cancer Research UK — Inherited cancer genes and increased cancer risk
- NHS — Predictive genetic tests for cancer risk genes
This page is general information, not a prescription. Do not change or stop any treatment based on what you read here. If anything is worrying you, contact your own treating team — or call our helpline and we will help you reach the right specialist.
Keep reading
Related pages
Guilt about passing a gene to your childrenFor the parent who carries it and cannot stop blaming themselvesWhen your spouse reacts badlyWhen the result strains a marriageTelling your children about a genetic resultHow to explain it without passing on the blameGenetic results and marriage prospects in Indian familiesThe family pressures that often sit behind blame
Talk to us
Is the family struggling after a result?
Tell us what has happened at home. We can arrange a joint session with a counsellor, including in Telugu, so everyone hears the same facts together. One helpline serves every CION centre.