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Guilt about passing a gene to your children | CION Cancer Clinics
Guilt about passing a gene fault to your children is one of the most common feelings after a genetic result. It is not a sign you did anything wrong. Nobody chooses the genes they pass on, and nobody could have known. This page explains why the guilt comes, what is true about inheritance, how to talk to your children, and when the feeling needs more help. At CION Cancer Clinics, our team helps carriers and their families plan checks, next steps and support after a genetic result.
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Medically reviewed by Dr. Naresh GunduConsultant Medical Oncologist · MBBS, DNB (Internal Medicine), DM (Medical Oncology, AIIMS) · last reviewed September 2026, next review due September 2027
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On this page
- Is it my fault if my child inherits the gene?
- What should I remember when the guilt gets loud?
- How do I move from guilt to something I can live with?
- The inheritance words, in plain language
- What this page cannot tell you
- Four things guilty parents tell themselves, and what is true
- Common questions about guilt and passing on a gene
The short answer
Is it my fault if my child inherits the gene?
No. You did not choose the fault, you could not see it, and you could not have stopped it being passed on. A parent passes on one copy of each gene by chance, and which copy travels is not something anyone controls.
Why the guilt comes anyway
Parents are wired to protect their children. A result that says you may have passed something on can feel like failing at that job. The feeling is real, even though the blame is not. Many parents say this was the hardest part of their result, harder than hearing about their own risk.
What guilt gets wrong
Guilt assumes there was a choice. There was not. The fault came to you from one of your own parents, who did not know either. It may have travelled down many generations before any test existed that could find it. You are simply the first person in your family who knows.
A child inheriting a fault is not the same as a child getting cancer. Knowing gives them something earlier generations never had.What is actually true
What should I remember when the guilt gets loud?
Four facts that parents in your position have found worth holding on to.
It is chance, every time
For most inherited cancer faults, each child has an even chance of inheriting it, like the toss of a coin. One child's result does not change the next child's chances. Nobody picks which copy is passed on.
A fault is not a diagnosis
Many people who carry a fault never develop cancer. Those who do are often found early, because they know to be watched.
What your child may gain
- Screening that starts at the right time
- Choices about prevention as an adult
- Information for their own family planning
It came from somewhere too
You did not create the fault. You received it, exactly as your child may have. It belongs to the family line, not to one person in it.
Either parent can pass it on
In some families the blame falls on the mother's side. Genes do not work that way. A father passes on a fault just as easily, whether or not he was ever ill.
Not sure whether this applies to you?
Ask an oncologistOne step at a time
How do I move from guilt to something I can live with?
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Say the feeling out loud
Tell your partner, a friend or your counsellor that you feel responsible. Guilt kept silent tends to grow. Said aloud, it usually sounds less true, even to you.
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Separate the fault from the future
Carrying a fault and developing cancer are different things. Ask your counsellor what the fault in your family actually means, so you are not grieving an outcome that may never happen.
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Learn what your child's options really are
Find out when testing would be offered, what screening exists and when it starts. A plan turns a vague fear into steps you can take.
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Decide when and how to tell them
For faults that raise risk only in adult life, testing usually waits until your child can choose. You have time to prepare what to say.
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Let someone share the weight
A genetic counsellor, a psychologist or a support group can carry some of this with you. Needing that help is common and sensible.
Words you may hear
The inheritance words, in plain language
- Inherited
- Passed from parent to child at conception. It is present from the start and was never caused by anything the parent did.
- Dominant
- One faulty copy is enough to raise risk. Most inherited cancer faults work this way.
- De novo
- A fault that appeared for the first time in one person rather than being inherited. It can then be passed on from that person.
- Carrier
- Someone who has an inherited fault but does not have cancer. A carrier is not a patient.
- Penetrance
- How often a fault actually leads to cancer across everyone who carries it. It is never all of them.
- Predictive test
- A test for a well relative, looking for a fault already found in the family.
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When guilt stops being ordinary
If guilt has turned into thoughts of harming yourself, or a belief that your family would be better off without you, that cannot wait until your next appointment. Tell someone you trust today, and go to the nearest hospital emergency department or ask a family member to take you. These thoughts are a sign of distress that can be treated, not a reflection of what you deserve.
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Being straight with you
What this page cannot tell you
It cannot tell you whether your child has inherited the fault, what their risk is, or when they should be tested. Those answers depend on the exact gene, the exact variant and your family history. A genetic counsellor can go through them with you, and with your child when the time comes.
It cannot read your report
What your specific variant means is a question for the counsellor who ordered the test. Some faults carry much less risk than their names suggest. Guilt built on a misread report is guilt you may not need to carry at all.
Who this does not apply to
If your report shows only a variant of uncertain significance, nothing has been confirmed and there is nothing known to pass on. If your children have already tested negative for the family fault, they did not inherit it. The guilt may linger, but the facts have moved on.
If you would like to talk this through, call the helpline and ask for genetic counselling. You can ask for a counsellor who speaks Telugu.Commonly believed
Four things guilty parents tell themselves, and what is true
"I should have been tested before I had children."
For most families the test was not offered, or nobody knew there was a reason to ask. You cannot be responsible for information you did not have. Many carriers who do know still choose to have children, and that is a legitimate choice.
"If I had eaten better or prayed more during pregnancy, this would not have happened."
An inherited fault is fixed at the moment of conception. Nothing a mother eats, does or feels during pregnancy can add it or remove it.
"My child will blame me when they find out."
Children often take their cue from how the news is shared. Told calmly, at the right age and with a plan, many see it as useful information rather than an accusation.
"It came from my side, so the burden is mine alone."
The fault cannot be corrected or reversed by anyone, and caring for a child with a known risk is a job for both parents. Blame between spouses helps nobody, least of all the child.
Questions we are asked
Common questions about guilt and passing on a gene
Should I tell my children that I carry the gene?
In most cases, yes, in a way that fits their age. Secrets in families tend to come out at difficult moments. Your counsellor can help you decide what to say now and what can wait until your children are adults and able to choose testing for themselves.
At what age can my child be tested?
For faults that raise risk only in adult life, testing usually waits until the child is an adult and can decide. A few syndromes need testing in childhood, because screening starts young and genuinely helps. Your counsellor will tell you which applies to your family.
My spouse's family blames me. What can I say?
You can say, truthfully, that a gene fault is passed on by chance and can come from either parent's side. Nobody chose it or caused it. If the blame continues, a joint session with a genetic counsellor often helps, because the facts land differently from a professional.
Could I have done anything to stop it being passed on?
Not for children already born. For future pregnancies, there are options such as testing embryos during IVF or testing a pregnancy, and some couples choose none of them. A counsellor can explain each one without pressure, including the choice to do nothing.
My child has tested positive. How do I stop feeling responsible?
Focus on what the result allows. Your child can be watched earlier and more closely than anyone before them in the family. That is protection, not harm. If the feeling will not lift, talk to a psychologist or counsellor, alone or with your child.
Is it normal to still feel guilty years later?
Yes. Guilt often returns at milestones, such as a child's marriage, a pregnancy or a relative's diagnosis. That does not mean you have failed to cope. It is worth talking to someone each time it comes back strongly.
Does genetic counselling help with feelings, or only with facts?
Both. Genetic counsellors are trained to talk through the emotional side of a result, including guilt. If deeper support is needed, they can suggest a psychologist or a support group. You can also ask whether counselling in Telugu is available.
Who can I talk to about this?
Start with the counsellor who gave you the result, or your oncologist. If you do not know where to begin, call the CION helpline and ask for help with a genetic result. Someone will point you to the right person.
Your Specialists
Meet CION's oncologists. Bring your family history or genetic report to them.
Our medical oncologists see people with a strong family history of cancer, arrange genetic counselling and testing where it fits, and plan the checks that follow.
Medical Oncologist
Dr. C. Raghavendra Reddy
MBBS(Gold Medal), DNB(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Gold Medal)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Bharati Devi Gorantla
MBBS, MD(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Adyar,Chennai), ECMO, MRCP SCE(UK)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Owais Mohammed
MBBS, MD (General Medicine), DrNB (Medical Oncology), ECMO, MRCP SCE (Medical Oncology) (UK)
Medical Oncologist
Medical Oncologist
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Sources
- National Cancer Institute — Cancer Genetics Risk Assessment and Counseling (PDQ)
- MedlinePlus Genetics — What are the different ways a genetic condition can be inherited?
- MedlinePlus Genetics — What is genetic counseling?
- NHS — Help for suicidal thoughts
This page is general information, not a prescription. Do not change or stop any treatment based on what you read here. If anything is worrying you, contact your own treating team — or call our helpline and we will help you reach the right specialist.
Keep reading
Related pages
Telling your children about a genetic resultWhat to say, and how to start the conversationBlame between parents after a resultWhen one side of the family is held responsibleThe emotional weight of a genetic resultThe other feelings that often arrive with the guiltWhen to seek counselling beyond genetic counsellingSigns that more support would help
Talk to us
Would it help to talk this through with someone?
A genetic counsellor can go through what your result means for your children, and help with the feelings as well as the facts. One helpline serves every CION centre.