Medical Oncologist
CION Cancer Clinics
Dating and relationships with a stoma in your 20s | CION Cancer Clinics
You can date, fall in love, have sex and marry with a stoma, and many young people do. The bag changes some routines, not who you are or who will want you. This page covers when and how to tell someone, getting ready for intimacy, the fears that come up most in your twenties, and where to get help if the worry is getting in the way. At CION Cancer Clinics in Hyderabad, our oncologists explain colon cancer in plain words and plan care around you and your family.
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Medically reviewed by Dr. Naresh GunduConsultant Medical Oncologist · MBBS, DNB (Internal Medicine), DM (Medical Oncology, AIIMS) · last reviewed October 2026, next review due October 2027
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The short answer
Can you date and have a relationship with a stoma?
Yes. A stoma changes how stool leaves your body. It does not change your ability to love, to have sex, to marry or, for most people, to become a parent. People meet partners after their stoma, and relationships carry on through one. The hard part is usually not the bag. It is the fear of how someone will react.
What a stoma actually changes
A stoma is an opening on the tummy where the bowel is brought to the surface, with a bag over it to collect stool. A colostomy is made from the colon and an ileostomy from the small bowel. Day to day, it means emptying or changing a bag and checking the seal. Many stomas made during colon cancer surgery are temporary and are closed in a later operation. Our page on temporary and permanent stomas explains which you are likely to have.
Why it can feel bigger in your twenties
Your friends are on dating apps, getting engaged or fielding proposals their families have found. You may be the only person your age you know with cancer, let alone a bag. Body image matters a great deal at this age, and so does the fear of being seen as damaged. These feelings are common. For most people they ease as the stoma becomes routine.
Telling someone
When and how do I tell someone I am dating?
No rule says when. Most people find a point that suits them, and the right moment is almost always before things become physical.
Early, while you are still chatting
Some people mention it early, even before a first meeting, in one simple line. It filters out people who would not cope and takes the weight off the date itself.
Once there is some trust
Others wait until they know the person a little and want to share something real. That is just as valid. You owe a stranger no medical history, and a few dates are not a contract.
Before you are intimate
Tell someone before you undress together, so it is never a surprise. Explain what they will see, that it does not hurt, and what you do to keep it secure.
- Keep it short and factual
- Let them ask questions
- Show the bag only if you want to
When families are arranging a match
In an arranged match, families sometimes want to keep it quiet. Telling the prospective partner yourself, before an engagement, protects you both. Our page on marriage conversations covers how families handle it.
Not sure whether this applies to you?
Ask an oncologistBefore intimacy
How do I get ready for sex with a stoma?
Empty or change the bag first
An empty bag is flatter, quieter and less likely to leak. If your output rises after eating, avoid a heavy meal just before.
Use a cover, a smaller bag or a cap
Fabric covers, small closed bags and stoma caps are made for this. Your stoma nurse can suggest what suits your stoma. Some people prefer a wrap or a fitted top.
Choose positions that keep pressure off
Lying on your side, or positions where nobody presses on the bag, are usually more comfortable. A pillow helps in the first months after surgery.
Talk, before and during
Say what feels fine and what does not. Humour helps more than people expect, and a partner usually takes their cue from you.
Never put anything into the stoma
The stoma is the end of your bowel. It is easily injured and must never be used for sex. Our page on sex and intimacy with a stoma has more practical detail.
Commonly believed
What do young people with a stoma fear most, and what is true?
"Nobody will want to marry someone with a bag."
People with a stoma do marry after their surgery, including through arranged matches. Those who walk away are usually reacting to something nobody explained to them. A calm, simple explanation changes more minds than you expect.
"The bag will leak during sex."
A well-fitted bag, emptied beforehand, rarely leaks with normal movement. If it leaks at other times too, the fit needs checking by your stoma nurse. That is a fitting problem, not something to hide.
"A partner will always be able to smell it."
Modern bags are sealed, and most have a charcoal filter for gas. Odour is usually noticeable only when the bag is emptied or changed. A smell at other times usually means the seal needs attention.
"With a stoma, I cannot have children."
The stoma itself does not stop you becoming a parent. Surgery and chemotherapy can affect fertility, which is a separate question to raise before treatment starts. Our page on fertility preservation explains the options.
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Did you know
A stoma has no nerve endings that feel pain, so you will not feel it being touched. Its surface has many small blood vessels, so it can bleed a little if rubbed. A small amount that stops quickly is normal.
Being straight with you
What this page cannot tell you
It cannot tell you how one particular person will react. Some partners take it in their stride from the first conversation. Some need time, and a few will not cope. Their reaction says more about them than about your worth, but it can still hurt, and it is fine to say so.
It cannot answer the medical questions for you
Whether your stoma can be reversed, whether treatment has affected your fertility, and when sex is safe after surgery all depend on your operation and your treatment. Your surgical team and your oncologist can answer those. Bring the questions written down. Nobody there will be embarrassed.
Who this does not apply to
If you are already married or in a long relationship, the questions are different, and a page on intimacy within marriage will fit you better. If your stoma is leaking, sore or changing shape, sort that with your stoma nurse first. Dating is much harder while the bag is unreliable.
If low mood or anxiety is stopping you from going out at all, that deserves help in its own right. CION's supportive care team can arrange counselling.Questions we are asked
Common questions about dating with a stoma
Do I have to tell someone I am dating that I have a stoma?
Not straight away. Your health is yours to share when you choose. Most people tell a partner before they become physically intimate, so it is never a surprise. Telling someone early can feel risky, but it also shows you quickly who is worth your time.
Can I have sex with a stoma?
Yes. Wait until your surgical team says you have healed, usually some weeks after the operation. Empty the bag first, use a cover or smaller bag if you like, and choose positions that keep pressure off it. Never put anything into the stoma itself.
Will a partner hear or smell the bag?
A stoma sometimes makes a noise as gas passes, and you cannot always control it. Most bags have a filter that takes the odour out of gas, so smell is usually noticeable only when emptying. Partners tend to stop noticing the noise long before you do.
Can I get married with a stoma?
Yes. People with a stoma marry, including through arranged matches. What matters is that your future partner hears about it from you, before the engagement, with time to ask questions. Families often worry more about the cancer than the bag, so be ready to talk about both.
Can I have children after colon cancer and a stoma?
Often, yes. The stoma does not stop pregnancy or fatherhood. Surgery and chemotherapy can affect fertility, so ask about it before treatment if you can. Women with a stoma have had healthy pregnancies, but plan it first with your oncologist and surgical team.
My stoma is temporary. Should I wait until it is reversed?
That is your choice. Some people prefer to wait until after the reversal. Others do not want to put life on hold for months. If you date with a temporary stoma, you can say so. Reversal is planned once treatment allows, and the timing varies from person to person.
What if someone reacts badly?
It hurts, and that is real. A bad reaction usually comes from fear or never having seen a stoma explained, not from anything about you. Some people come back after thinking it over. If rejection is stopping you from trying again, a counsellor or others with a stoma can help.
Who can I talk to about this at CION?
Your oncologist and the supportive care team hear these questions often, at every age. They can arrange counselling and connect you with stoma nurses and peer support through partner services. Call the helpline and ask for an appointment where this is the main topic.
Your Specialists
Meet CION's colon cancer specialists. Bring your colonoscopy, scan or biopsy report.
Our surgical and medical oncologists plan colon cancer care together: which operation, whether chemotherapy is needed, and the follow-up that comes after.
Medical Oncologist
Dr. C. Raghavendra Reddy
MBBS(Gold Medal), DNB(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Gold Medal)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Bharati Devi Gorantla
MBBS, MD(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Adyar,Chennai), ECMO, MRCP SCE(UK)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Owais Mohammed
MBBS, MD (General Medicine), DrNB (Medical Oncology), ECMO, MRCP SCE (Medical Oncology) (UK)
Medical Oncologist
Medical Oncologist
Surgical Oncologist
Dr. Muralidhar Muddusetty
MBBS (AIIMS), MS (Surgery) (AIIMS), DNB (Surgical Oncology), MRCS (Edinburgh)
Surgical Oncologist
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Sources
- American Cancer Society — About colostomies
- American Cancer Society — About Ileostomies
- United Ostomy Associations of America — United Ostomy Associations of America
- Colostomy UK — Colostomy UK
This page is general information, not a prescription. Do not change or stop any treatment based on what you read here. If anything is worrying you, contact your own treating team — or call our helpline and we will help you reach the right specialist.
Keep reading
Related pages
Marriage Conversations After Young-Onset Colon CancerWhen a match or an engagement is on the tableThe Emotional Side of Living With a StomaBody image, low mood and getting used to the bagSex and Intimacy After Colon CancerFor couples already together through treatmentSupport for Young Colorectal Patients in IndiaOthers your age who have been through it
Talk to us
Want to talk this through with someone?
Ask us about stoma reversal, fertility or counselling at any stage after surgery, and we will help you find the right person to speak to. One helpline serves every CION centre.