Medical Oncologist
CION Cancer Clinics
The emotional side of living with a stoma | CION Cancer Clinics
Feeling shocked, ashamed or low about a colostomy bag is normal, and for most people it eases as the bag becomes routine. The hardest stretch is usually the first weeks at home. This page explains how the feelings tend to change, what makes them heavier or lighter, and the signs that low mood has become depression and needs a doctor rather than patience. At CION Cancer Clinics, our team supports patients and families with diet, bowel changes and life during and after treatment.
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Medically reviewed by Dr. Naresh GunduConsultant Medical Oncologist · MBBS, DNB (Internal Medicine), DM (Medical Oncology, AIIMS) · last reviewed October 2026, next review due October 2027
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The short answer
Is it normal to feel this low about a stoma?
Yes. Grief, disgust, anger and a sense that your body has betrayed you are the usual first reactions to a stoma, not unusual ones. For most people these feelings are strongest in the first weeks and ease as the bag becomes routine. Feeling terrible now does not mean you will feel terrible in six months.
What a stoma actually asks of you
A stoma is an opening on the belly, made by the surgeon, through which stool leaves the body into a sealed bag. A colostomy uses the large bowel, an ileostomy the small bowel. Whichever you have, it changes something private and automatic into something visible that you must manage with your hands several times a day. That is a real loss, and it deserves to be named as one.
Why the feelings are so mixed
Many people are relieved that the tumour is out and ashamed of the bag in the same breath. Relief, grief and guilt can all sit together, and the guilt is often about the family. The son who paid for surgery, the wife who now empties the bag, the daughter-in-law who washes the clothes. Those feelings are a normal response to an abnormal situation. The practical side of living with the bag is on our living with a stoma page. This page is about the inside.
Nearly everyone with a new stoma feels some version of this. The ones who cope best are not the ones who feel nothing.How it usually goes
What do the first months with a stoma feel like?
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Before the operation
Fear of the unknown, and often a quiet hope that the surgeon will manage without one. Meeting the stoma nurse before surgery, and seeing a real bag, takes much of the dread out of it.
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The first look
Most people describe shock. The stoma is red, moist and larger than expected, and it moves on its own. It shrinks over the following weeks. Looking at it early, with a nurse beside you, is easier than avoiding it.
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The first weeks at home
This is usually the lowest point. Leaks happen while you learn, the skin may be sore, and every bag change is a reminder. Tiredness after surgery makes everything feel heavier than it is.
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The first outing
A temple visit, a wedding, a bus ride to the district. Most people dread it and most come home surprised that nobody noticed. Confidence tends to jump after this step.
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Months on
The bag becomes something you do, like brushing your teeth. Low days still come, often around chemotherapy or a check-up scan. If the low days are still most days, that is the time to ask for help.
Not sure whether this applies to you?
Ask an oncologistHarder and easier
What makes the emotional side harder, and what helps?
The stoma itself is only part of it. The circumstances around it decide how heavy it feels.
Temporary or permanent
A temporary stoma made to protect a join in the bowel is usually reversed after chemotherapy. A permanent one is not. Knowing which you have, and roughly when reversal might happen, shapes how you feel about every bag change in between.
Read next
Who is doing the care
Depending on a spouse or a daughter-in-law to change the bag keeps you feeling like a patient. Learning to do it yourself, even slowly, returns control. Where a family member must help, the helping with stoma care page is written for them.
Body, clothes and intimacy
Many people avoid mirrors, stop wearing fitted clothes and pull away from their partner. Each of these has a practical answer, and avoiding them makes the feeling stronger. The body image page and the sex and intimacy page take them one at a time.
What reliably helps
- Meeting someone else who has lived with a stoma for years
- A bag that fits well, so leaks stop being the daily worry
- One person at home who can hear the ugly feelings without fixing them
- Going back to one normal thing early: work, the kitchen, the walk
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When low mood has become something else
If you have stopped eating, stopped washing, not left the house for weeks, or have had thoughts that your family would be better off without you, tell someone today. Tell your oncologist, the stoma nurse, or call the CION helpline and say the words plainly. Depression after stoma surgery is common and it responds to treatment. It is not a weakness and it is not something you have to push through alone.
Commonly believed
Four things people with a new stoma believe, and what is true
"My life is basically over."
People with a stoma farm, drive autos, teach, pray, swim, marry and raise children. The first weeks feel like the end of normal life because everything is new. Most people look back on that period later and are surprised by how far they have come.
"I should be grateful the cancer is out, not sad about a bag."
You can be both at once. Gratitude does not cancel grief, and pretending to feel only one of them tends to make the hidden one louder. Families often push the gratitude line because they are frightened too.
"Nobody will want to marry me now."
Young people with a stoma do date and marry, in India and everywhere else. The question is when and how to tell someone, and our dating and relationships page is written for exactly that.
"Talking about it will only make me feel worse."
The opposite is usually true. Shame grows in silence. One conversation with a stoma nurse, a counsellor, or someone who has lived with a bag for years does more than months of managing alone, and support groups exist in Hyderabad for this reason.
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Being straight with you
What this page cannot tell you
It cannot tell you whether your stoma will be reversed, or when. That depends on why it was made, how the bowel join heals, and whether chemotherapy comes first. Your surgeon and the CION tumour board decide that together, and the honest answer sometimes changes along the way.
Who this page does not suit
It is written for adults with a stoma after colon cancer surgery. A permanent stoma after rectal or anal cancer surgery carries its own questions, and the rectal cancer hub and the surgery pages on accepting a permanent stoma go deeper. A stoma made for Crohn's disease or an emergency, without cancer, is a different journey.
Who can actually help
Stoma nursing is provided through CION's partner hospitals, and the stoma nurses and support page says how to reach one in Telangana. For the feelings themselves, counselling and psycho-oncology support is part of care at CION centres, in Telugu or English, and the family can use it too.
If you cannot tell whether what you feel is grief or depression, say that to the helpline. Someone will help you work it out.Questions we are asked
Common questions about coping with a stoma
How long does it take to accept a colostomy bag?
There is no fixed time. Most people say the first weeks are the worst and that the bag feels routine within a few months. Acceptance usually arrives through doing, not thinking: the first change done alone, the first outing, the first night of proper sleep.
Is depression common after stoma surgery?
Low mood is common and usually lifts. A smaller group develop depression that does not lift on its own, especially where there are leaks, pain, money worries or a permanent stoma. It is treatable with talking therapy, medicine or both, and asking early shortens it.
I cannot bear to look at it. Is that a problem?
It is very common at first, and it becomes a problem only if it stops you learning to care for the stoma. Ask the nurse to sit with you while you look, for a minute at a time. Most people find the dread shrinks once the stoma is familiar.
My wife does everything for the bag. Should she?
Only until you can do it yourself. Taking over the bag change is one of the strongest steps back to feeling like a person rather than a patient. Ask the stoma nurse to teach you directly, and let your wife step back a little at a time.
Will my children be frightened of it?
Young children usually accept a simple explanation and move on. "The doctor made a new way for poo to come out, and the bag catches it." Teenagers may be embarrassed on your behalf for a while. Hiding it from them tends to make it bigger, not smaller.
Can I go to the temple or the mosque with a stoma?
Yes. A sealed bag is clean, and many people with a stoma attend prayers daily. Empty the bag before you go and carry a spare. If a religious question about cleanliness is troubling you, ask a religious teacher you trust; many have been asked before.
Does feeling sad about the bag mean I am ungrateful?
No. Being glad the tumour is out and sad about the bag are two separate feelings and most people carry both. Relatives who tell you to be grateful are usually frightened themselves. You are allowed to grieve the body you had.
Where can I meet other people with a stoma in Hyderabad?
Ask the stoma nurse at the partner hospital, or see our page on support groups in Hyderabad. Meeting one person who has lived with a bag for years, and is visibly fine, often does more than any amount of reading.
Your Specialists
Meet CION's colon cancer specialists. Bring your colonoscopy, scan or biopsy report.
Our surgical and medical oncologists plan colon cancer care together: which operation, whether chemotherapy is needed, and the follow-up that comes after.
Medical Oncologist
Dr. C. Raghavendra Reddy
MBBS(Gold Medal), DNB(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Gold Medal)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Bharati Devi Gorantla
MBBS, MD(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Adyar,Chennai), ECMO, MRCP SCE(UK)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Owais Mohammed
MBBS, MD (General Medicine), DrNB (Medical Oncology), ECMO, MRCP SCE (Medical Oncology) (UK)
Medical Oncologist
Medical Oncologist
Surgical Oncologist
Dr. Muralidhar Muddusetty
MBBS (AIIMS), MS (Surgery) (AIIMS), DNB (Surgical Oncology), MRCS (Edinburgh)
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Patient stories
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Sources
- National Cancer Institute — Emotions and Cancer
- American Cancer Society — About colostomies
- Colostomy UK — Colostomy UK
- United Ostomy Associations of America — United Ostomy Associations of America
This page is general information, not a prescription. Do not change or stop any treatment based on what you read here. If anything is worrying you, contact your own treating team — or call our helpline and we will help you reach the right specialist.
Keep reading
Related pages
Living with a stoma after colon cancerThe practical side: bags, routines and daily lifeBody image after colon cancer surgeryMirrors, clothes and feeling like yourself againCounselling and psycho-oncology supportWhat a counsellor does and how to ask for oneThe emotional adjustment to a stomaThe surgery team's view of the same months
Talk to us
Finding the bag harder to live with than you expected?
Tell us what is weighing on you, practical or emotional. We can arrange a counsellor at a CION centre and point you to stoma nursing support near you. One helpline serves every CION centre.