Talking to your partner about treatment

It cannot tell you exactly what to say to your partner or how they will respond. Every relationship is different. The ideas here are starting points, and you know your partner best.

It also cannot resolve long-standing problems in a relationship. Treatment can bring older difficulties to the surface. Couples counselling can help when conversations keep breaking down.

Writing can help

If speaking feels too hard, some people write a note or message to start the conversation.

Talk about what you can do

Focusing on what is possible, such as touch or time together, feels more hopeful than listing what has stopped.

Avoid blame

Phrases like "you never" or "you always" make partners defensive. Describe your own feelings instead.

Include practical worries

Money, children and work stress affect intimacy. Talking about them can ease pressure in the bedroom too.

Ask for private time

In a busy household, agree a regular time for the two of you, even a short walk.

Talking to a professional

Your nurse, a counsellor or a psycho-oncologist can help you prepare for the conversation or join it.

New relationships

If the relationship is new, conversations about treatment and intimacy may feel even more delicate. Go at your own pace.

Same-sex relationships

The same principles apply, and support services should respect your relationship.

Keep talking over time

Needs change through treatment and recovery. Checking in regularly keeps you connected.

When you are the partner

If your partner is having treatment, you may feel guilty for missing sex or closeness, or worried that raising it will add pressure. It is reasonable to say that you miss being close, as long as you make clear that there is no expectation and that their wellbeing comes first. Asking what would feel good to them, rather than assuming, is often the most caring approach.

Sentences many couples find helpful

Simple sentences can make a start: I feel close to you even when we cannot have sex; tell me if anything I do hurts; I am scared of pushing you; what would help you feel cared for right now. Adapt the words so they sound like you.

Getting past embarrassment

In many homes nobody talks about sex, so the first conversation can feel awkward. It usually becomes easier the second and third time, especially once both people realise the other has been worrying too.

After a difficult conversation

If a conversation ends in tears or silence, it is not a failure. Give each other a little time, then come back with reassurance that you want to keep talking. Difficult conversations often open the door to closer ones.

Keeping it private

Agree between you what stays private, so both feel safe being honest without worrying that relatives will hear.

What to do next

Choose a calm, private moment, start with your feelings, listen fully, share what your team has said about safety, agree small ways to stay close, and ask your team for counselling if conversations are difficult or the relationship is under strain.