Medical Oncologist
Emotional support
Losing your sense of self
Because almost everything you recognised yourself by has been suspended at once: the work, the role in the house, the decisions, the body in the mirror. What remains is a person who attends appointments, and that is not an identity. It is mostly a practical problem with practical remedies.
NG
Medically reviewed by Dr. Naresh GunduConsultant Medical Oncologist · MBBS, DNB (Internal Medicine), DM (Medical Oncology, AIIMS) · last reviewed September 2026, next review due September 2027
17+specialists on panel
15,000+patients treated
35+centres across Telangana & AP
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The short answer
Why do you stop feeling like yourself during chemotherapy?
Because almost everything you used it to recognise yourself by has been suspended at once. The work, the earning, the cooking, the driving, the decisions, the role in the house, the body in the mirror, the energy to be good company. What remains is a person who attends appointments, and that is not an identity.
Patients describe this more often than any physical symptom and mention it to staff less than almost anything. It is not vanity and it is not depression, although it can slide into low mood if nothing is done about it. Mostly it is a practical problem with practical remedies.
Keep something that is unambiguously yours
A task, a decision, a responsibility, a skill. Not a hobby invented to fill time, but something that was already yours and that you can still do.
Insist on being addressed directly
Doctors who speak to your son, relatives who discuss you in the next room, decisions arriving already made. Ask to be spoken to and to be in the room.
Expect it to be worst in the middle of the course
By cycle three or four, when the novelty and the visitors have gone and the end is not yet in sight. It generally improves as ordinary life resumes afterwards.
If nothing interests you at all and it has lasted weeks, that needs raising with your team.What actually goes
The six losses patients describe
- Being the one who provides
- Whether that is earning, cooking, running the house or looking after grandchildren. For many people this is the deepest part of who they are, and it goes almost overnight.
- Being the one who decides
- Decisions start being made for you, kindly and without asking. Small ones individually, and over months they add up to somebody who is no longer consulted about their own life.
- Being physically recognisable
- Hair, weight, skin, the face. Looking in a mirror and not finding yourself is a specific and real distress, particularly for younger patients.
- Being good company
- Tiredness removes the conversation, the jokes, the interest in other people's news. Patients grieve this and assume nobody else notices.
- Being the one who is asked for help
- The person who used to be consulted by everybody becomes the person everybody protects. The reversal is one of the hardest parts for older patients.
- Having a future to talk about
- Plans, ambitions, ordinary next-year conversations all become awkward. Nobody asks what you are going to do, and that silence is its own loss.
Not sure whether this applies to you?
Ask an oncologistPractical
What helps get it back
Mostly about keeping hold of specific, concrete things.
Name three things that stay yours
The household accounts, the menu, the grandchild's homework, one piece of work. Write them down and tell the family those are not being taken over.
Also ask for
- To be addressed directly by staff
- To be present for conversations about you
Keep working in some form if you can
Reduced hours, from home, advisory, part of the week. For many patients work is the largest part of their identity, and some of it is usually salvageable with a conversation.
Get dressed in day clothes
It sounds trivial and patients repeatedly say it is not. Night clothes all day, for months, is the uniform of being a patient rather than a person.
Daily anchors
- Out of bed and dressed
- Out of the house, or into daylight
Have one relationship that is not about the illness
A friend who talks about cricket, work or gossip, and never asks about counts. Patients consistently describe this as the most restorative thing available to them.
Plan something beyond the treatment
A trip, a project, a purchase, an event, dated after the course finishes. Having a future in the conversation changes how the present feels.
Tell the household
What actually helps a patient stay themselves
- Ask their opinion about ordinary household matters
- Do not discuss them in the next room
- Leave them the tasks they say they want
- Talk about something other than the illness
- Ask about their plans for after treatment
- Let them be the one who helps sometimes
- Address them directly, not through a relative
- Keep inviting them to things, even if they decline
Being straight with you
What this page cannot tell you
It cannot tell you that you will go back to exactly who you were. Serious illness changes people, and many patients describe a permanent shift in what they care about, some of which they would not undo. What generally does return is the sense of being a person with a life rather than a patient with a schedule.
It also cannot tell you how long that takes. For most people it improves substantially as ordinary life resumes after treatment, and the middle of the course is usually the worst of it.
This is different from low mood, and it can become it
Losing your sense of yourself is a response to circumstances rather than an illness in itself. If nothing interests you at all, if it has lasted weeks, or if you feel hopeless, that is the point to tell your team rather than to keep adjusting.
Do not let anybody tell you this is trivial
Patients are reminded to be grateful to be alive when they raise it. Both things are true at once, and identity loss is one of the most frequently reported experiences of a course of treatment.
The attendant loses themselves too
The relative who has given up work, friends and sleep for six months to become a full-time carer experiences a version of the same thing, and nobody asks them about it at all.
What to do next
Name three things that stay yours and tell the household. Ask to be addressed directly and to be in the room. Get dressed each day, keep one relationship that is not about the illness, and put one thing in the diary for after treatment.
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Commonly believed
Four things said about this
"You should be grateful to be alive and not worry about the rest."
Both can be true at once. Losing your work, your role, your decisions and your reflection is a real loss, and it is one of the most commonly reported experiences of a course of treatment.
"Taking everything off his hands is how we help."
Removing every role at once is what produces this. Ask which tasks and decisions he wants to keep and leave those with him, however small they look from outside.
"She will not be interested in ordinary conversation now."
The opposite. Patients consistently say the most restorative thing available is somebody who talks about cricket, work or gossip and never asks about blood counts.
"There is no point making plans until treatment is over."
Having a future in the conversation changes how the present feels. Date something modest after the last cycle and talk about it; the silence about next year is its own loss.
Questions we are asked
Common questions about feeling like yourself again
Is it normal to not feel like myself?
Very. It is one of the most commonly described experiences of treatment and one of the least often mentioned to staff. It usually peaks in the middle of a course and improves as ordinary life resumes.
What is the single most useful thing to do?
Keep something that is unambiguously yours: a task, a decision, a responsibility that was already yours before this. Name three of them and tell the household they are not being taken over.
Doctors talk to my son instead of me. What can I do?
Ask to be addressed directly, and say it plainly at the start of the appointment. It is a reasonable request and it changes a great deal about how the rest of the treatment feels.
Should I keep working?
If you can and want to, in some form. Reduced hours, from home, or part of the week. For many patients work is the largest part of their identity and some of it is usually salvageable.
How is this different from depression?
This is a response to circumstances. If nothing interests you at all, it has lasted weeks with no better days, or you feel hopeless, that is the point to tell your team rather than to keep adjusting alone.
What should I ask my family for?
To be asked your opinion, not discussed in the next room, left the tasks you want, invited to things, and talked to about something other than the illness. Say it specifically; most relatives want to help.
Will I go back to who I was?
Mostly, though serious illness does change what people care about, and many would not undo that part. What usually returns is the sense of being a person with a life rather than a patient with a schedule.
Is there anybody to talk to about this?
Ask for a counsellor or psycho-oncology support. It is a recognised reason to be referred, available at many centres, and rarely requested for this particular reason.
Meet the Specialists
17+ senior cancer specialists. One panel for your case.
Trained at AIIMS, Tata Memorial, and leading international centres. Combined 150+ years of experience. Every complex case is reviewed by 3+ of them — together.
Medical Oncologist
Dr. C. Raghavendra Reddy
MBBS(Gold Medal), DNB(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Gold Medal)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Bharati Devi Gorantla
MBBS, MD(General Medicine), DM(Medical Oncology)(Adyar,Chennai), ECMO, MRCP SCE(UK)
Medical Oncologist
Dr. Owais Mohammed
MBBS, MD (General Medicine), DrNB (Medical Oncology), ECMO, MRCP SCE (Medical Oncology) (UK)
Medical Oncologist
Medical Oncologist
Surgical Oncologist
Dr. Muralidhar Muddusetty
MBBS (AIIMS), MS (Surgery) (AIIMS), DNB (Surgical Oncology), MRCS (Edinburgh)
Surgical Oncologist
Surgical Oncologist
Surgical Oncologist
Dr. Vinay Mamidala
MBBS, MS(General Surgery), M.Ch(Surgical Oncology), FMAS, FARIS(Ongoing)
Surgical Oncologist
Radiation Oncologist
Radiation Oncologist
Radiation Oncologist
Hematologist
Surgical Oncologist
Dr. Vajja Sandeep Kumar
MBBS, MS (General Surgery), DrNB (Surgical Oncology), FALS Oncology
Surgical Oncologist
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Patient stories
Hear it from people we have treated
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Sources
- Macmillan Cancer Support — Your feelings and cancer
- National Cancer Institute — Feelings and Cancer
- American Cancer Society — Emotional, Mental Health, and Mood Changes
This page is general information, not a prescription. Do not change or stop any treatment based on what you read here. If anything is worrying you, contact your own treating team — or call our helpline and we will help you reach the right specialist.
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